Did you think I may never write on here again? That makes two of us. (Literally two of us - me and my one faithful reader. You know who you are!) I have a lot to catch up on....not sure if it will happen or not but at least I'm tapping my little fingers on this keyboard right now trying to make a dent.
I am somewhat used to my life being crazy and busy...I have four boys after all. But,
this particular shade of crazy I am not used to. I can't seem to get on top of anything. ANYTHING. I feel like approximately 5 hours out of each day keep disappearing in utter chaos. Of course these are the VERY hours I
need to manage my life, my home, my family. I am unable to find a single clear spot in my brain to schedule, prioritize, focus - everything is spinning and fuzzy in there. Night comes before I ever get control of the morning. Mid-day? How can I get control of that...it disappeared remember?
I keep accidentally driving out of turn at that four way stop I pass through twenty times a day. I keep rushing into a room only to stop and wonder what I rushed in there for. I keep driving home from the market remembering that I didn't buy the one thing I went there for in the first place. If I lose my phone/keys one more time I'll lose my mind.
If you don't have a second to collect your wits then you are sure to lose them, no?
We stayed up late last night and got up early this morning to help Hudson (sorry I didn't meet to run with you girls) finish up an assignment we thought was completed months ago. If there wasn't such chaos right now I'm sure I would have caught this mix-up sooner. But I didn't, because of the fuzzy mind and all, so another day started in madness. This madness then spiraled into something worse - sadness. I knew someone was sad and that in turn made me feel sad. Busy and sad - now I'm a definite wreck. Owen put his arm around my waist and told me, "It will be ok. I'm glad you have a tender heart like me."
I am a girl who believes in a simple life. I like things
pared down. I like outside obligations kept to a minimum. I like a life that holds enough time for some meaningful moments. I like slowing down so you can appreciate the life you are living and the people you are sharing it with.
I function best when I have time to consciously try to be a good mom, a good wife, daughter, friend...person. I have noticed that during the past month I have not been good at any of the things I care about most. It feels like I accidentally gulped down a large glass of negativity. I'm being harder on others. I'm being harder on myself. I do NOT like bad attitudes. I always feel like if I can't be happy when life is good then what will become of me when life is not so good? Something I never ever want to be accused of is ingratitude - what an ugly thing. So, I'll just apologize now to those of you I've possibly brought down with me this month!
Chaos is not good for the soul.
As much as I love my normal shade of crazy - too much of it disturbs...well everything. I believe in order and routine. I know that, like me, my kids thrive when they have quiet to think, some peace to breathe, some time alone to just be. I can tell a HUGE difference in them when we don't have this...so it makes sense that it makes a HUGE difference in myself as well.
Lately, when I open my eyes in the morning a giant TO DO list crashes into my mind. I take a deep breathe and picture myself juggling things effortlessly, being a graceful, smooth, natural mother - but before I know it I'm flailing around and gasping for air.
Does it ever feel like you're the only one who lacks grace under pressure? (Or that you are the only one screaming at fondant and watching frosting fly through the air? Holla!) Well, now you know that you are NOT the only one. But you know why this is happening don't you...
It is May.
It is the last few weeks of school. Everything is going on ALL AT ONCE.
Somehow this time of year sneaks up and disturbs my sanity.
Each and every year. Can I get an AMEN!? How about one from you, my loyal reader?
I am thinking about the long days of summer and am determined to make them feel slow and sweet. Remember days like that?
June...I decided last year that you have replaced July as my favorite month of the year. You are everything I love most about summer and I can't wait to welcome you here again! When you come I will finish reading THAT book to Hudson. I will put together THAT puzzle with Owen. I will build THAT lego with Jude. (And all of those will be done on a blanket in the back yard.) I will take THAT walk with Quinn. I will go on THAT date with Brian. I will sit on THAT patio with my parents. I will call THAT friend back (if she'll still answer). Plus...I will clean and cook and weed and do all the other things that must be done. And I will enjoy the perfect shade of crazy.
Being busy isn't bad...if you still have time to LOVE the ones you love.
And time to do THAT is exactly what I have been missing.
I
dedicate this post to Quinn. Rain or shine - this picture will FOREVER be something that makes me smile. I never want to forget this face you make. All we have to say is, "let me see your smile!" and THIS is what we get! It is hilarious and beyond cute. This smile has stopped countless people right in their tracks. At the store, at the park, at church, at school - sometimes I secretly hope nobody will notice you smiling at them because the attention it brings often slows me down when I need to hurry. As I'm typing I realize this seems like the lesson I should learn right now. I should never be too busy to let you smile...and I should never be too busy to smile myself.
PS. Is blogging therapy? I feel like I owe you (yes, YOU) a $150 session fee just for reading this. What a boring post.
